God's personal megaphone, Pat Robertson, has stated that he's completely perplexed by His recent decision not to smack the East Coast of the United States with Hurricane Joaquin.
"I just don't get it," Robertson said over a Skype call, looking slightly flummoxed with how to turn off the video showing him clipping his toenails. "The US Supreme Court's recent decision to support gay marriage and not allow true, God-fearing Christians to be bigoted assholes just has me in a quandary."
When asked if he thought that this might be God's approval for the US Supreme Court's decision, he turned instantly angry. "No. I've said time and again that I'm in personal contact with Him. He's never given me any sign of such a thing."
When pushed with questions about Robertson's previous statements on earthquakes and weather-related phenomena and how he claimed they showed The Almighty's displeasure at things such as gay marriage and abortion, Robertson was quick to respond. "Look, you're asking me to face some serious cognitive dissonance here. Let's just not go there, okay?"